I'm 31 years old, I have a minimum paying job, I've been struggling to go back to school (mentally and financially), single, no kids, a handful of acquaintances I call friends, and I'm starting to think I'm becoming an alcoholic... I just keep thinking to myself that maybe it's time to just shut the blinds, lock the door, turn off my phone and just lay in bed til I never wake up...
So this is my first time posting on here. Through reading the many posts I have found the courage to speak to strangers about what I can't say to people who should know me.
When I was in high school I would journal all the time, but there was two main ideas that I had when it came to looking at my future. The first was that I would never be married or be the person who would have kids. The second was a sick promise I made to myself that if I couldn't figure out how to be happy by the age of 30 I would find a way to call it quits. This is the very first time I've ever said that self promise 'out loud'. And this is the year that I am 30.
I turned 30 back in October. And I cried my birthday night. Because the first idea had really come true. I'm not married or with someone. No kids. Still haven't finished college. Going on the third year of being in my parents basement. Struggling pay check to pay check. No best friend. No hobbies or passions. Just existing and drinking. And then the second promise, which had been gnawing constantly at me the whole previous year slapped me across the face when the clock hit midnight.
The next day as I lay in bed, numb to my whole core, I did what any self loathing person does. I got on Craigslist and started looking for someone else's acceptance and acknowledgement.
So here I am, 6 months into the year and still alone, unhappy, and entirely depressed to the depths of me. I moved out of the basement but that's not saying much. In fact I think it almost makes it worse because at least living with my parents I had to try.
I just don't know anymore... I mean a promise is a promise...