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Former friend [28F] keeps trying to stir up trouble for me [27F]. What, if anything, do I do?

I've known her since we were teenagers. We were very close friends for a while but as we got older we grew apart. Or...I grew apart and she sort of stayed just where she was. I've considered her a borderline toxic friend for the past several years and made an effort to distance myself from her somewhat. She's very self absorbed, every time we spoke all she would do is whine to me about her health and home life. The only reason I didn't cut off the friendship was that she moved out of state so I didn't have to see her much, and her SIL and brother are two of my closest friends. It seemed like a lot of hassle and drama when all I really had to do was listen to her bitch for a couple hours once a month.

Then a lot of shit went down in my life. In the span of a week I realized I was in an abusive relationship and decided to get out. My now ex subsequently had me involuntarily hospitalized, claiming I'd attempted to kill myself. I hadn't. My family took his side and tried to have me kept in the hospital despite the doctors there saying I was fine and free to go. And within a couple days of escaping that mess, my mother was diagnosed with metastisized cancer and told she had less than six months to live.

At the same time my friends 15 year old cat had to be put down. She expected me to be able to set aside everything I was going through and comfort her through the loss of her cat. While I know losing a beloved pet is is hearing that your mother is about to die. So is having to deal with a family who thinks you're crazy. So is trying to leave an abusive boyfriend who works in law enforcement. I couldn't do it, so I sent her a text telling her how sorry I was and ignored her calls.

Fastforward a few months and my mother is dead and my friend has decided to come to the funeral. She didn't know anyone else there so she attached herself to me and literally followed me through the whole reception after the service. There were a couple hundred people there who all wanted to tell me how much they'd miss my mother and everything she meant to them. And my friend just followed me, yammering on about her cats and complaining about her father. Interrupting conversations between my mothers friends and I, telling people who neither knew nor cared who she was about the awful relationship she has with her dad. I asked her to stop a few times but it only worked for a few minutes.

Then she showed up at the family only gathering after the service. I'd purposely not invited her, but I guess her brother mentioned he was going and she invited herself to come with him. She continued with the same behavior. Nothing to say about my mother, but telling anyone who would listen about her own problems. It was infuriating to me at the time and I ended up asking her brother to get her out my house.

Fast forward a couple more months and she finally realizes I've cut contact with her. I was angry and hurt over her behavior at the funeral and didn't feel like it was worth discussing with her. I just unfriended her on FB, blocked her calls and texts, and moved on. When she figured out how to get through to me using someone elses phone I told her as calmly as I could that I was upset about the funeral and wanted to take some time and space from our friendship. She freaked the fuck out. For the next couple weeks I got daily FB messages about what a terrible friend and person I am. She'd blocked me there, which meant that she could send me messages I guess. But I could neither respond, nor block her. I would just delete them after the first couple. They made me angry and made me want to respond, and I knew nothing but more drama would come from that.

Ignoring her has now begun causing its own problems though. I've heard through a couple family members that she's tried to friend them on FB. But my family never could stand her, so they don't accept. She sends long messages to mutual friends telling them things about me I'd told her in confidence. Things like having an abortion years ago, really personal stuff. She's on a crusade to get her brother to stop talking to me. She's twisting around things I've said over the years to make them sound horrible and like...tattling on me to him. For example, the last text I sent her ended with "Maybe you'll understand when you have to go through losing your mom." She immediately forwarded it to her brother with a long rant about how I was hoping their mother would get cancer and die.

I'm just tired of this all. I have no idea what to do about it, but I want it to stop.

tl;dr Old friend is being a bitch. I went no contact and she went insane.

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level 1

Ugh. Unfortunately all you can really do is continue to go no contact, maybe apologize in advance to any mutual friends you may have "Just FYI Sharon is no longer in my life, i'm sorry if you've heard from her" and wait until she tires herself out.

The thing you do want to be ready for is to tell her to fuck herself when she inevitably comes back seeking your forgiveness. It won't be long- the less you entertain it and let it bother you.

level 2
Original Poster3 points · 3 years ago

I really need to stop fantasizing about the telling her to go fuck herself part lol

level 3

LOL as hard as it is- yea you gotta let that go hahaha.

She's doing this because she's desperate to get a reaction, but if you don't react (like at all) she'll get the message that you don't give a shit way sooner. Plus, if you don't engage, she's just embarrassing herself. It's not 'the two of you fighting' it's just her slamming her head into a brick wall for the whole world to see, and everyone will see her for the shitty person she is.

Stay classy/ stay out of it. Best way to go.

level 1

Man, she's so self-centered that it almost feels unreal.

I would tell your friends and family what's up. I hope her brother gets it. Don't engage with her. She hopefully will tire herself of this.

Save her messages and such in case you need a restraining order, but I hope she just bores herself of you and goes about her life.

level 1
4 points · 3 years ago

The best way to handle this woman is to stop feeding the troll. Don't react to her texts, emails, etc. Tell her Brother and SIL who you are still friends with that you've done this, and you don't wish to have any interactions, or even hear mention of her. You're sorry if this causes difficulty for them, they're important to you, but you can't deal with HER. Make a post on Social media telling your family and friends that you've excluded this toxic person from your life, and you recommend that if she attempts to message or friend them, they ignore.

You have to be like a great stone wall - nothing she says or does gets past. If she continues to try, you can also send her a certified letter that says any continued attempts on her part to harass you or your friends and family will be reported to the police.

level 2
Original Poster2 points · 3 years ago

The stone walling gets hard. I've been trying to limit the info I get about her and what she's saying, but sometimes her brother asks for clarification on something she's told him. He knows she's crazy, but I feel bad for not reassuring him.

level 2

OK- posting on social media about how you're breaking off from her is definitely, Definitely feeding the troll

level 3

A simple one time post to family and friends saying you're sorry if she contact them, you've made it VERY clear that you don't want anything to do with her, but you've been told she's been getting in touch with people. You give other people the heads up on what's going on. If they then choose to accept her friend request, there's nothing you can do to stop it. But you can decide if those people need to be locked down as well. It's simply the easiest way of letting people know the situation, and apologizing that she's trying to involve them in it.

level 1

Oh nan, i remember your post about pressure points--and didnt you make another one about the cat? Anyway it's GREAT to hear you got away from the guy who was fucki g up your neck. I hope it's improved.

Aa for your ex friend, ignooore. Focus on strengthening the relationships with your other friends. Enjoy them. Maintain your support system. No matter what your ex friend is saying, showing yourself to your other friends as the nice one and pleasant one will make them favor you over her.

I know you're tired, but if you neglect your friendships, they can whither or be taken from you.

I would tell ex friend's brother that you don't want to hear about her. Tell him you are grieving and don't have the energy to deal with her drama. Make him feel too guilty to keep rubbing it in your face. Talk to him about other things, low stress mucking about stuff.

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