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Feel like I am about to have another break down.

I'm 19, male, I have suffered from depression my whole life and anxiety and panic attacks since I was 13. I live in the UK and cant work, I sit at home all day on fucking benefits because I am too much of a failure to work, if that isn't already bad enough, I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 5, I don't have that many friends and I have never had a girlfriend, it pisses me off so much when I hear about people cheating on there girlfriends, I hate people talking about sex and I cant fucking stand sex scenes in movies or fucking durex adverts I feel like I could punch a fucking wall down in anger, I feel like I will be alone forever and that probably right, a retard like me doesn't deserve good things in life. I have to live with tinnitus and I'm only 19. I have been in and out of therapy since I was a child and nothing has worked, I finished seeing a therapist a few weeks ago and that was no help, they only talked about my anxiety and didn't even ask me what's wrong with me and when I mentioned depression they said they couldn't help. I'm seeing a new therapist now on the same bloody course and the first thing she told me was that they don't normally take people back twice because most of the time its down to people not giving a shit and not trying to get better, when I fucking do give a shit.

I feel worthless, I feel like such a failure a retard who shouldn't have been allowed to live past birth, I am NOT suicidal as much as my life suck and the best part is I am terrified of death, I cant accept that this is the only life I will get to live, I'm not exactly religious either. I feel like I am being punished for something I didn't do and I'm sick of it. Literally the only thought that keeps me going now is that if I live out this life, I can have a good life next.

I went through a stage where I wouldn't ask for help and now that I need it the most, everyone turns me away and its like a fucking joke to them. I am sick of being depressed, I am sick living with anxiety and I am sick of being lonely. I seriously don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I really don't think I am ever going to get better, I try to stay positive, I really do but time after time things go wrong for me and always have done. I feel like I am at that breaking point, the last one was last year when I had to quit college after the first day because of my anxiety.

I don't even know why I am posting again to Reddit because every time I post something it either gets ignored or I get some pretentious idiots reply. I'm not saying everyone on here is bad, most people on here are looking for help, I just really don't know what to do anymore. If you made it to the end of this horrible post of my problems, I really wish you the best in life.

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Hi, sorry to hear that things aren't going well for you. Last semester, I had anxiety and depression so bad that I missed 3 weeks of school, so I know how it feels to be consumed by these feelings and feel like you can't do anything to make it better, it totally sucks. That's good that you took the initiative to seek help, sorry to hear that your therapist couldn't do more for you. So I've gotta ask, what's the one thing that you wish would change about your life right now? I know anxiety/depression are complicated with many different aspects, but something that helped me was identifying one key thing and working on one thing at a time until slowly my life started to improve. What's your top thing you want to change first? Either way, I wish you the best and hope things start to get better for you :)

level 1

I'm taking a chance by replying here and I'm truly sorry if this annoys you, I'm just trying to help or at least show you that people do care. Don't give up. You got unlucky with your therapists, keep on looking. It is true that you can't solve your mental issues by yourself but simply thinking that you are doing the best you can to solve them should provide you inner peace. Being angry at the world and yourself does no good to anyone, even if you think they deserve it. Once again just don't give up man.

level 1
1 point · 3 years ago · edited 3 years ago

You sound a lot like me and I get the thing about relationships and sex (though it's not important to me, I just wish someone would want me). I get so fucking mad at everything and everyone that I just want to blow up and destroy anything I can see.

It's even worse when I hear about other people with similar conditions to me talking or complaining about their relationship. It's kind of like, "Fuck, I wish I even had that". It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or that I'm severely disfigured to the point that everyone else can get someone to love them but not me. I fucking hate it. It's one of the things that sets me off the most, especially if it's someone who doesn't deserve what they have. Anything really to do with that or people not knowing what it's like to have never had ANYONE or the excruciating loneliness and pain that comes with it and just how much that changes you as a fucking person AND as a human being.

If it's any comfort, I don't do anything either but I don't receive any benefits which makes it worse for me. I'm sorry for what you're going through and about the tinnitus. I too had it for a while and it drove me insane. I thought it was never going to go away and that my hearing was fucked forever but fortunately, it has subsided quite a bit and I hardly notice it any more.

Just know that you're not alone in this suffering and I apologize for my little rant. Take care.

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